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Some pointed hints on one of the world's enjoyable hobbies

"The Gentle and Genteel Art Of . . . Fanny Scanning"

by Ross B. Olney
Vol. 3, No. 3,  January 1961

    Look to the south, readers shout, and slightly astern for another delightful portion of the female anatomy to study. Known variously as "Buttinsky Browsink," in Russia, and "Posterior Perusing," by Webster, it is quite obviously of world-wide importance and should be discussed further. Notwithstanding its many names, we will, for the sake of clarity, call it simply and gently, "Fanny Scanning."
    Fanny Scanning, the act of contemplating the bottom of the female of the species, has grown tremendously in recent years. With the help of dress and bathing suit designers, this art has been simplified so that any interested amateur can thoroughly enjoy himself the first time out. . .something of an impossibility in the days of many heavy petticoats and bustles. As a matter of fact, it has come to the point where it is difficult for the average woman on the street to tell whether her fanny is being scanned or not.
    This may or may not be good, depending on what you are trying to accomplish on a particular day. If you are just shopping, so to speak, it is perfectly all right for the scannee to be unaware she is being scanned, but suppose you are intent on a more thorough study of the subject . . .suppose you want to get right down to bare facts. In this case, of course, the scannee should slowly and gradually become aware of your study. We will cover "shopping" and "buying" later in this essay, after the procedures of classification are clear in your mind.
    First and foremost, how does one tell if the scannee, either secretly or openly, truly appreciates what the scanner is doing? This is a question that has bothered devotees of the sport since its origination by the im mortal "To The Rear" Harch, who uttered the now famous words, "Sir, I would rather be a scanner than be President."
    Actually, since the Federal Government's petty refusal to include the question on the recent national census, we must rely on scattered studies of practitioners and letters which were sworn to before notary publics by pioneering women. The results of these surveys prove one thing. Nine out of every eleven and one half women secretly enjoy having their fannies scanned.
    But note the word secretly. These same women, when asked the question face to face, will vehemently deny they enjoy such a thing and may in some cases go to the extreme of screaming for a policeman.
    Psychiatrists could no doubt explain this unusual behavior.
    However, it's easy enough to prove. If you are a serious student, go to the nearest street corner and wait for a likely subject to pass. When you see one coming, step boldly up to her, smile, and ask her point blank if she would mind too much if you would scan her fanny as she passes. Now all the way down to where they book you, you can have the satisfaction of the memory of the tiny twinkle in her eye as she screamed and hit you with her purse.
    She was one of the nine, you will know.
    If the experts will allow a moment of time to the newcomers to our fascinating sport, an attempt at classification will be made. Of course, these are only the very basic headings and as one progresses he may subdivide according to personal preference. Along with the common names of the different types, Latin names will be given to aid the more advanced students. If any confusion results from this, beginners may ignore the more complicated Latin.
    The Flat Fanny (Flattus Awal)
    This type, sometimes vulgarly known as the 32-32-32, is possibly not the most appealing, but even it has its own gentle, underdone charm. It proceeds more or less from the small of the back to the rear of the thighs in a relatively straight line and does, perhaps, leave a little to be desired. Remember, though, the true sportsman can find something good about each and every fanny scanned.
    As a word of warning, this type is most likely to be "adjusted" by means of the insidious new padding devices which are flooding the market, and will be discussed later.
    The Gentle Curve (Curvum Negaum)
    This is the second most popular type, and indeed the most popular to a certain faction of Fanny Scanners, who feel that the fanny loses its charm when it becomes too obvious. It curves gradually, is very relaxing on the eyes, and was most certainly the inspiration for the popular song, "I've Got My Eyes On Yours."
    The Teardrop (Smooth Outum)
    Here is perfection! Blending softly outward from the small of the back, it reaches a point just below the hips where it gently rounds and hurries back in to join the legs at an almost ninety degree angle. Lovely!
    No girdle . . . no pad . . . no crude air bag can ever take any other classification and disguise it as a perfect teardrop. There will always be a little bulge, a tiny crease to betray the at tempt.
    Strong will, indeed, is needed, upon the passing of a Teardrop, to keep from uttering a much deserved compliment to the owner. Remember, she may be one of the nine who would rather be secretly admired. But your thoughts, after all, are your own.
    The Large Fanny (Globus Hilarious)
    This type cannot be mistaken as it passes since it appears almost exactly like two young boys wrestling beneath a blanket. It has been dropping out of favor recently in our own country, but on the continent, where the approach is more direct, it is still very desirable.
    The Giant Fanny (Globus Ridiculum)
    As can be seen from its Latin name, this type is directly related to the Large Fanny and is, actually, a mere extension of the Globus Hilarious. It is not seen often, some scanners going eight hours a day for weeks at a time without ever witnessing one. The true scanner will not laugh when encountering a Globus Ridiculum, however, but will appreciate it if only for its rarity.
    Many scanners memorize the above classifications and then file their observations in a notebook for future reference. At any rate, now that you are familiar with the basic types, let us go on to the approach.
    This is accomplished much easier than Bosom Browsing, for example, since scanning is done exclusively from the side and rear of the subject. It cannot, in fact, be done with any success as a frontal maneuver unless the scanner has progressed with the particular scannee enough to be tactile.
    On a dance floor, or perhaps in a crowded subway, the scanner can classify a relatively strange scannee without actually seeing, but it is a risky practice, and could give us all a bad name. So beware . . . and if unsuccessful, please do not reveal your affiliation with Fanny Scanners International.
    Approach from the rear, or if more convenient, allow the subject to pass as you stand to one side. This is sometimes even more challenging be cause then you can test your skill by attempting to classify according to frontal anatomy. . .then check your self as she passes. Whether you or the scannee are moving, concentrate on the shape and general appearance of the scanned area, which you of course have fixed in your mind previously, then try to fit the subject into one of the classifications. If you happen to be one of the more devoted scanners and want to pursue the subject to its most basic state, pay particular attention to the paragraph below on "buying."
    Assuming you have only a very short period of scanning before you, perhaps your lunch hour or a quick look during a Sunday afternoon stroll, you will be particularly interested in shopping only. This is a most enjoyable phase of scanning and can be done with many different subjects in a short period, still allowing as much time to be spent with each as you, yourself, decide. You merely walk and scan, from pillar to post, as it were. Choose a subject, scan a bit, and then go on to the next with a light heart and a practiced eye.
    Shoppers, particularly, are known for carrying a small note pad to jot down classifications and location sighted for later development and study.
    This is an advanced skill and many hours of shopping should be completed before this is attempted. Here the scanner must pursue the subject in more detail, eventually allowing the scannee to learn that she is being scanned. That is the critical moment.
    Begin by using shopping techniques, then, as time passes and the scannee becomes aware of your presence, allow your eyes to flick down to the scanned area.
    Do not do this covertly, but be fairly obvious, as though you were scanning and were proud of it. Still, and this is difficult, do not be too obvious, as you stand a chance of shocking the scannee into flight. There is a middle ground that can be learned with practice.
    After a glance or two, the scannee will get the idea. At this time she will either smile slightly, thus inviting you to study her further in some more private place, or she will frown. A frown is a bad sign.
    Of course, it is possible that she could still be one of the nine and is only playing a little hard to get. But the author has found that unless a smile, however slight, is forthcoming, it is best to move on to more receptive territory.
    A simple remark, pleasant and delivered with a warm smile, such as "My, but you do have a pretty spine curvature, Madame . . ." and then a hasty retreat, is best in the case of a frown.
    This way, she will appreciate your ability to recognize a good thing when you see it and perhaps at some other time or place will be more susceptible to your scanning. Possibly not even you, but one of us will benefit from your politeness.
    A word about the crude practice of "padding" to confuse the honest scanner. It is a shame that such a thing need even be mentioned but, unfortunately, such practices are no longer confined to the upper front of the female body. Of course, it's a shock but the true scanner must be in formed.
    Dark little shops in some of our larger cities are actually manufacturing such devices, and under the very noses of the police. These items are then fastened to ladies' undergarments and are either a permanent padding or a newer and more favored type, which may be blown up like a balloon to imitate the particular type of fanny needed at the moment. Oh yes, they are desperately trying to conceal the fact that such things exist by advertising only in the ladies' wearing apparel catalogues, and then they are listed under such names as "hidden hips" or "Hollywood beauty on a Biloxi pocketbook . . ."
    Do not laugh! These things have a way of creeping onto the scene before we realize they even exist. The author, at the risk of life and limb in a ladies' ready-to-wear shop, learned these things only to find, upon returning home, that such a device had actually been smuggled into his own home.
    Needless to say, a public burning on the front lawn immediately followed.
    Be careful in your classification. Look for the tiny creases and bulges that give such shameful women away. Dream of the day when you'll be present as a woman so equipped sits on a tack. Perhaps going into or bit without a rocket ship will show them that some things are decent and some are not. Amateurs especially be ware. . .some of these devices are very well made, and thus extremely difficult to detect.
    Think of how embarrassing it would be to hurry a perfect Smooth Outum off to a more private place of study and then find that you had actually captured nothing more than a common Flattus Awal.
    But back to the light side of fanny scanning. Unlike golf, tennis, tropical fish collecting and so many other major hobbies, fanny scanning can be accomplished with practically no physical effort and negligible equipment. None at all if you like, though, as we mentioned, some scanners do like to carry a classification notebook. Just give it a try and you will soon throw away your clubs and rackets and fish bowls and become a con firmed scanner.
    And in the words of one of our founders, A. Firm Posterior, "Never change fannies in the middle of a scan."

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