Did that typist smile
when you walked by this morning? Did that girl on the elevator seem to
be standing too close? Were you comparing your wife to that blonde in the
cocktail lounge last evening? That waitress where you lunch everyday; is
she giving you the eye?
Are you beginning to think that perhaps the
French approach to love and marriage is the only civilized and intelligent
way of living? If you are, it's time you did some investigating into the
question of Missus versus Mistress.
Frankly, friend, if you are one of the 94%
of the married men in the United States who earn less than $10,000 a year,
you had better take your mind off the typist and look at your wife through
rose-colored glasses. You just can't afford an extra woman.
Take the case of Ted Kaeding of Lambertville,
New Jersey. Young, handsome, tall, well-dressed, and always driving a new
car, Ted appealed to the ladies, and ladies was his hobby. He was a bachelor
with a good salary. He now resides in Eastern Penitentiary after leaving
for Los Angeles with one of his beauties and $10,000 of company cash in
his hot little palm.
This doesn't mean that every man who runs
with a beautiful girl is an embezzler. Ted went for the diamond studded
playgirls and they don't operate within the bounds of the average salary.
He was extreme, but the married guy who thinks that he is going to keep
up an outside romance is asking for expense and trouble.
Look closely at your paycheck this week and
you're liable to find out you can't even afford your wife!
If you're one of the 28% average American
wage earner, you make between $3,000 and $3,900 a year. This doesn't leave
you much leeway as a lover. But let's say you're up there in the $5,000
a year class. Well, it costs you a basic minimum of at least $3900 just
for the house, groceries, utilities, car and the minimum medical expenses.
This doesn't include your insurance payments. If you're buying a television
set or anything else, or happen to need dental work, you're lucky to get
an occasional cigar and a few bottles of beer.
That typist still look good after this revelation?
You're from Missouri? Hell, man, learn the hard way. Take her out!
If this girl works in your office you're going
to have to impress her a little. Not exactly being a big shot, but you
have to lay it on a little.
This is not like taking out the wife. A movie,
a sandwich. No, friend, this
little girl thinks you're a man of the world. This is going to cost
you. You meet her after work at a downtown cocktail lounge. A couple of
martinis. After all, she's trying to impress you, too. $2.40. Then a restaurant,
a quaint little place that you just happen to know about. "A quiet little
place where nobody goes." Well, not your wife's friends, anyway. It isn't
an expensive place, but before you get out; the spaghetti, the wine, $6.00.
And this is letting you off easy. This is a quiet girl, so maybe a movie.
This is at least $1.60. But she also likes to dance and you're going to
show her a real spot. "Lotta characters hang out there, you'll love it."
She loves it, and she's a real sport, she drinks beer. Another $5.00.
So then you take her home. Are you invited
into the apartment? Not on your life, buster. She's not: "One of those
kind of girls. It's been a wonderful evening, let's not spoil it."
So you don't spoil it. Laugh it off. After
all, you're a nice guy with a wife and kids and what the heck, "It's been
fun and don't worry, she'll come across." And the tab was only $15.00.
What's your wife going to say?
She won't say anything because it's easy to
cover up a small amount. But the cute typist is impressed. You get those
glances on the elevator and there's a wink at the water cooler.
So, you go at it again. And this time you
get inside the apartment. Maybe you don't leave until 2 a.m. The wife is
a little peeved when you get in, but she understands about the boys insisting
on another hand. But now the typist is getting to be a habit. You skip
the car payment this month because you can easily make it up later. And
now your extra-curricular cutie has tears in her eyes because her rent
is due and she spent her last dime on a new dress just to look nice for
you and couldn't you just loan it for a week or two?
Friend, you got problems!
And the typist was actually an inexpensive
bit of fluff. Let's say you're up in the $7500 a year bracket. It costs
you more to live, but you still frequent the better bars, the more expensive
restaurants. You're young, you're on the way up, you have to live right.
The girl you meet is no typist or drug clerk. Maybe she has red hair and
exotic green eyes and her body approaches perfection. She has a quiet,
sophisticated aura about her that your wife lacks. Five kids and a weekly
wash play hell with a manicure. The waiter delivers your note, she nods.
Over enough gin to float Old Ironsides she listens, smiles at the right
time, gives the right answer, is completely attentive.
You've had it!
This baby has the key to Fort Knox and you're
just the foyer.
No beer drinker, she, and no spaghetti twirler
either. She wines, friend. Madeira, '37. She doesn't eat supper, she dines.
Perdrix aux Choux with a brandy sauce. Then a demitasse and flaming drambuie
with the violins. And then possibly an evening of whiskey sours or a short
tour of the better spots.
An evening like this in San Francisco runs
about $75 and this does not include the many, many, many tips.
You weren't on much of a budget before, but
you are now.
So far, both cases have just been a matter
of nocturnal excursion, a friendly clandestine arrangement. Now let's get
into permanent extra-marital arrangement, the status which most consider
the ideal--the mistress.
The mistress is created by men who are possessive
and don't like their "true" love playing the field. He wants one household
for soothing the children and the other for soothing his ego.
If you skimp and save, make your wife live
in abject poverty, and belt the kids when they scuff their shoes, you might
be able to afford a mistress.
At first it is going to be delightful. But
you'll soon learn a mistress is also a woman and she too has a curious
leaning towards possessiveness. Dissention will enter your nest of love
when you first hear the word, "Divorce." What, leave your wife and children?
She must be out of her mind!
And then she begins to sound like a wife.
"Where have you been? Why didn't you call? I really must have more money.
Why don't we ever go out anymore?"
Now is the time to just walk out. Get yourself
a new playmate. Just try it. This gal has you between the boudoir and the
And if you think keeping a mistress and a
family is expensive, just wait until your wife's lawyer drops around with
a few figures about alimony and child support.
By the time both of these women get through
with you, you'll be taking your meals at the neighborhood drug store.
Go home, friend. Whistle happily as you approach
the front door. Throw your arms around that inexpensive little wife. Enjoy
the meat loaf and bury your nose in the evening paper.
Leer at that cute typist all you want, but
keep your hands to yourself. You can't afford it!