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"Handbook for Married Bachelors #2"

by Hank Gross



Vol. 2, No. 4,  July, 1961

     That a married man must retain some semblance of his premarital know-how if he wishes to keep his spouse in love with him, is indisputable. But how to go about it is another matter indeed. Therefore, in line with Bachelor's policy of providing, via this column, advice on the elusive subject of how to make you marriage work without working too hard at it, we are devoting this issue's column to a discussion od the techniques a married man must use if he wishes to remain untamed while girdled on all sides by domesticity.
     The first, and most important concept to firmly imbed in your mind, is that you must make a point of standing up to your wife at least once each day. Twice a day is better yet if you can manage, although, as with exercise, it might be a good idea to start off easy and work your way up. This might be referred to as doing your daily stand-ups, and, like sit-ups and push-ups, it will prevent your position as head of the house from growing flabby.
     Stand-ups may be accomplishes in a variety of ways, and it might even be fun to do them in a different way each time. Ashes on the rug, for instance, is a good gambit for the beginner; reading the paper at breakfast puts you in the semi-pro class; and an expert can go on to more artistic needlers like forgetting birthdays, forgetting anniversaries, and even forgetting to come home once in a while.
     Now that you're gotten into the swing of things, you can begin to concentrate on the second point: Do not hide your faults. In fact, it has been shown to be psychologically effective in the constant battle which is marriage to do just the opposite. As the martial advice articles admonish, she married you as you were, and that's the way she's gotta take you. SO let her know that you intend to stay your own sweet self, and haven't got a single revision in mind. Reveal faults she never suspected anybody of having. Elaborate on the old familiar ones, round them out, polish them. In a pinch, invent a few faults. This gambit should serve to keep the little woman continually aware that, faults or no faults, you are still the boss.
     Point number three is Let her do things for you. It's a well-known fact that a woman feels more like a woman when a man gives her firm commands to follow. If you haven't been in the habit of doing this, again you'll find that the best policy is to break her in gently. "Pass the salt, please," is a good example of such an introductory command. After thoroughly conditioning her to pass anything within reach, you are then ready to advance to things that are not quite within reach, such as, "Honey, how about running downstairs and bringing me up a pack of cigarettes?" If you've tried this too soon, chances are it will bring a "No," but don't let that throw you; simply affect a noble expression, tell yourself that "War is Hell," and proceed undaunted. Under no circumstance should you give in and go down and get them yourself. Nor (and Mac, if you do this you're finished) should you ever go down and get cigarettes for her! Just keep on quietly barking orders and you'll find that pretty soon she'll start obeying them. "Turn the light out, will you dear?" She's got to if she wants to go to sleep!
     Finally we come to the bedroom, that last bastion where, when all else fails, the man can still remain king of the roost if he goes about it properly. It is here that a man gets his final chance too assert himself.
     The best means of accomplishing said assertion, is to emulate those primitive, but highly successful masters of the technique of living with the female of the species, the cave-men of old. No wife--not even if she wears the trousers all the day long--can resist a well-executed cave man approach as the shades of twilight deepen.
     As with the other methods, moderation is the keynote if this is your first attempt at this sort of boudoir buffoonery. A few hearty "Ugh"'s interjected throughout the evening should suffice for a starter. Then, as this starts to take effect, and you see her psuedo-manliness melting away and being replaced with pure femininity, you have a choice: either increase the frequency of the "Ugh"'s, increase the volume, or increase the total dosage.
     As you wax accomplished at grunting in lordly fashion, you will likely start feeling your oats and pretty soon will want to go on to buttress your hard-won position as undisputed dictator of your domicile. There are various related techniques which fall under the cave-man classification, but the only one you need really be concerned with is hair-pulling, an art which has fallen into some disfavor of late. Nevertheless, it's a surefire technique , just so long as you remember that a little goes a long way. Simply copy those numerous pictures you've seen of the big ox dragging his girl along the ground by her braids. Grad a fistful of your loved-one's locks and drag her from the kitchen to the bedroom and back again, several times a day. If you have a set of stairs in the house, so much the better. She'll love it.
     The basic point to remember is this: Never yield an inch to a woman; if you do, she's bound to start thinking she's a ruler!

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