If you don't dig "woman talk," you can learn that it sure
gains a hell of a lot in translation! Give ear to the...
by Harry Schreiner
Vol. 2, No. 2, 1959
Breathes there a male
who doesn't agree that no one can make with the words in such quantities
as a member of the opposite sex? A wise man once said, "women are just
like sweaters, they can't keep a secret."
A television comedian put it this way: "They
say exercise eliminates fat, but how come my wife has a double chin?"
Then there was the student who claimed he
could read his girlfriend just like a book. "Too bas I can't shut her up
the same way," he added dourly.
How about that congressman who calls his little
woman, "The speaker of the house"?
If you read the gossip columns you probably
remember the item about that Madison Avenue executive who told a friend
that his current flame keeps entering contests but never wins. "I guess
she isn't used to saying anything in twenty-five words or less," he laughs.
The last but not etc. is the little Caspar
Milquetoast who whines, "I hate to talk behind sweetie pie's back, but
it's the only opportunity I get."
Fine. But what the hell do women talk about?
To the casual male ear most of their gab sounds insane and fairly innocent.
If you have a casual male ear you are missing plenty, because you are not
equipped with a decoder pan. But don't despair Clyde, you have one now!
Study this special cipher buster the next time you are out with a babe
and you'll find that it'll save you plenty of wasted time when you begin
to realize that dolls seldom, if ever, say exactly what is on their minds,
even to each other. Every little movement of their flapping lips has a
hidden meaning all of its own. Here are just a few of those meanings:
"My poor old head is spinning from that last
(IF I SLIP, I CAN ALWAYS SAY I WAS CROCKED!)
"Don't run your fingers through my hair that
way. You get me so excited."
"Rappaport, dear, why are you stopping on
this dark road?"
(YOU CHEAP JOKER, I THOUGHT YOU'D AT LEAST
SPRING FOR A MOTEL.)
"That looks like a better spot up on that
(DAMMIT, I OUGHTA KNOW, I ALWAYS GO THERE.)
"I don't know if I should. You'll think badly
(IF YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, BUSTER, YOU SHOULD
KNOW THIS IS THE TIP-OFF THAT I WANNA BE COAXED...BUT NOT TOO LONG!)
"I'll have you know I have never kissed a
boy that way before!"
(THEY WERE ALL MEN!)
"Please don't try to open the buttons on the
side of my blouse."
(THERE'S A ZIPPER ON THE BACK, STUPID!)
(NOT ON THE FRONT SEAT!)
"Please don't tell any of your friends what
(YOUR FRIENDS ARE MY FRIENDS AND THEY ALL
KNOW THE STORY ALREADY!)
"Let's have a cigarette before we go."
(WELL FELLA, I KNOW WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS WERE...BUT
WHAT ARE THEY NOW?)
"You'll love my father, he likes night baseball
and tall stories too."
(YOU BETTER COME UP AND MEET THE OLD MAN NOW!)
"Tomorrow night? I may be busy, but give me
a ring anyway."
(DON'T CALL ME AND YOU'RE DEAD.)
"Gee you have such a nice ring."
(SPENT THREE LOUSY BUCKS AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
HE'S HIT BOTTOM...BUT I COULD HAVE THAT RING MADE SMALLER...)
"What are you stopping the car again on this
dark road for?"
(AND I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST A KID!)
"I can't. I keep thinking of my sick old mother
and how I gotta look for a job in the morning to help pay for her doctor
(ONCE FOR FREE WON'T KILL ME...BUT NOT TWICE!)